Watch Deborah's recovery from Miscarriage

When Dreams Break. An interview with Deborah Robertson.

I can honestly say I remember Valentine’s Day when I was pregnant to this man I was really in love with. So suddenly I’m thinking this is it! I missed not having that family when I was little, and so this to me was my chance at having this family. But then I lost the baby. And basically it all fell apart, so the dream, just kind of evaporated. I’d already had a miscarriage before to him earlier on in our relationship. I thought the second miscarriage must mean that I was never going to be able to have another child. And that was when I went all cold, when I realized that that’s what it might mean, that’s what I thought it meant! The relationship fell apart.

I didn’t really talk about it much to anyone because no-one really knew. My friends didn’t really know. I think I must have said something to my sister-in-law. I don’t really see much of my family but she had had a miscarriage and she had a similar thing where I think no one really said anything because it’s a miscarriage. It’s not stillbirth, it’s not a death of a child, it’s a miscarriage which must mean it’s kind of nothing. But I think it’s that you do have a baby in you, you do have a child who’s going to come home. It is a little person. And to me, part of that is the big dream, like this utopia of when I was with mum and dad. I wish that maybe my mum had been well and been able to come and hang out for a couple days. But I didn’t have that. I remember actually fronting up to a friend’s place and talking about it and I said I didn’t think, and I know this sounds so sad, I said I’ve lost this little child and no one seems to care. She just put her arm around me and she said we care and you can hang out here with our little family.

I mean I had no sense, I’d lost my way. I grabbed anything to numb what happened. I’d spent all my money on trying to get better through new age, everything, doing anything, lots of stuff trying to find peace and wholeness. I had gone to see this new age dude every week and he would slug me for like hundreds of dollars and I’m just giving him all my money. I mean I had no sense. It must have been in that week where I was not going to be able to pay my rent or something that this woman said would you like to come to church. She didn’t even have to say one more thing and I was like yes, I’m coming. I remember the church. All the girls came around me and they were all lovely to me. These women were different, they were kind of nurturing, kind people and that’s really what I needed.

I remember this girl Luisa took me to the pancake parlor and I remember crying my eyes out. She said Jesus can fix your life. He can help you. He can make it better and I was like howling in the pancake parlour going he can't. No one can help me and she’s going he can, he can. And I think I held onto that. I could go to God for healing and he wasn’t going to cost me $250 a visit.

I’d started going to church but I was still inconsolable. So I went to a Christian counselor and she really started helping me but I was left still with this emptiness inside. I can’t tell you that I hear God speaking to me everyday, but one day I just had a revelation that my children are with Jesus. And that gave me comfort. So I did get that comfort and that stopped the yearning, like that terrible yearning. It just stopped it. I still can’t hold my little baby here. That brings me grief but to know that one day I’m going to see him, her and that they're with Jesus, it cuts the pain in half. Despite the fact that that baby’s little cheek isn’t on my cheek, I will still praise God. That gives me tremendous strength to go on. I had healing. I had real healing, clarity, not confusion and clouds.

Deborah Robertson is an Australian singer/songwriter. Copies of Deborah’s EP can be purchased from www.deborahrobertsonsinger.com.